Horoscope November 2016

We understand that the exchange life will make you feel like you’re a tumbling around in the juggling hands of Fate, but despair no more. The stars are here to provide you with guidance and keep you upright.

Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21
Just like little baby Jesus you got thrown in your crib this month. And in this cold winter nights, what’s a better way to warm up than with an awesome party? Throw an ugly-Christmas-sweater party and feel good about yourself all night cause even in an ugly Christmas sweater, you’ll get loads of attention all night. Mostly because it’s your birthday, but hey let’s forget about that tiny detail!

Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19
Dear little Capricorn, life was pretty great last month, wasn’t it? Well, we do certainly hope you enjoyed it cause shit is going like the comet that killed the dinosaurs down. Due to all the clouds we actually can’t see the stars at all, but that pitch-black forecast is very realistic for your life this month. Welcome to hell.

Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18
Remember that we said we wouldn’t judge last month? Kidding, we do. And so does Santa and he told us you are a little hoe hoe hoe. It’s really lovely to see you opening up and partying like you should on your exchange, but if you want to deserve anything more than coals for Christmas, you better start behaving like a decent person.

Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20
Soooo do you know this theory that the longer you do not get laid, the more unattractive you get and the harder it will get for you to ever get laid again at all? Just saying… And although we actually successfully called you back to the bar last time, we kind of want to advise you to get out again cause your alcohol consumption is getting worrying. Korsakov is a real problem!

Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19
You basically have as many different personalities as there are Constellations. You can be as tough as Orion, as pretty as the Northern lights, as gangster as Uranus (hehehe), act as holy as the Virgo and get angry like a Taurus. Great fun and all, but maybe you need some alone-time to figure out which version of you, you actually are. Or maybe don’t, cause although it might be a little unpredictable, you have a you for every moment.

Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20
You have been in control for long enough now, time to let go. Did you know that the comet Haley has so many internal reactions going on that it’s orbit can’t really be explained? Take some lessons from that! Just go with what you want, even if it’s outside of your regular behaviour and shocks everybody, just go! Get drunk, seize the nights, go do that thing you probably shouldn’t and spend all your money on pepernoten.

Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20
The stars won’t change if you won’t, and consequently, neither will my advice. Take a look at last month’s’ horoscope and try again!

Cancer: Jun 21 – Jul 22
It’s a hard knock life outside of Carpe Noctem. The police are fining everybody for not having lights, drunk people get cold and steal jackets whenever they can, and the nights are too dark to provide you with any guidance. We get it if it feels like life just isn’t really going your way lately, but we promise it will get better! With the first snowfall, the limited amount of starlight visible will be reflected a thousand times and you will cheer up again!

Leo: Jul 23 – Aug 22
There is more distance between you and the people around you than there is between earth and Neptune. Maybe just take some time to live in the now, have fun with the people close to you, and stop being like the little comet all alone in the back of the solar system. Come play with us in the Milky way!(NOT IN THE BUKKAKE KIND OF WAY)

Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22
Have you been sober yet? Like, at any point at all this semester..? You have been partying all semester, and now you are all stressed out cause you have to catch up on 4 months of studying in the next two weeks. But the stars will show no mercy. If you want to end this semester in any other way than by being a complete failure, you better start behaving like the holy mother Maria this month.

Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22
Sun went down, all the birds are freezing, flowers are dying and your life is falling apart. But never forget, diamonds are made under pressure (actually, we are just trying to tell you how much you remind us of a black piece of coal now). Shine bright like a diamond (or a fucking star like I actually give a shit) at the glow party and take shots until summer is back.

Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21
Did you see the supermoon last month? It was 13% bigger and brighter than usual, just like you will be when you get home compared to how you left. Okay so maybe the 13% bigger muffin top isn’t that desirable, the brighter part is! It looks like this exchange semester did you well! You gained some confidence, learned how to relax, and did debatably also gain some on the intellectual level.